Formal Apology to My Violin
I am writing to say I am sorry.
I should not have stashed you in the trunk of my Jetta when I went to classes.
I should have stopped at home, which I technically, in a loose, cardinal-direction sense, passed on my way to NJIT, and stashed you in our warm, climate-controlled apartment.
Or, I should have left you in the safe, albeit slightly colder, confines of my lover’s home, where you would not have shivered to yourself in shrunken woe in the metal cage of my car.
All I have to convince you into proper tuning and back into your dark, smooth, mellow wood voice is a tilt of my head, the scrutiny of my ear, and the slight scrape of my finger callouses.
I will cradle you in my hands, and pamper your strings and pegs with the warmth from my palms.
Feel my apology--and look, I wipe you down and rosin you so lovingly!
Come back and sing with me, Best Beloved.
There was a time I'd cherish a crush
in quiet solitude, cradling and kindling it,
warming my hands over the smoulder of it,
locked away in the ribcage of my chest...
But, as time inevitably passed,
and the blows of broken hearts
and loves slipping away into my past,
then that cage blossomed cracks and fissures and I
and stored the pieces in a box with old photos and sadness.
Now, I fling myself over the edge,
chasing the heat and light and the sparkle in your eye, and
all our pieces catch oxygen and light,
Haven't posted in ages, but I guess I need to right now, and the sites I'm more connected on don't seem appropriate.
1) Everyone starting their responses to "the tragedy" with "as a parent" or "as a grandparent" piss me off. You don't have to have popped babies out of your vagina or raised children to care about the lives of children and families. As a human being, this makes me sad.
2) It is not shocking or unexpected. I'm 24 years old, and my adult memory has several "unthinkable" mass shootings in it. Doesn't yours?
3) Yes, it IS appropriate to talk about gun laws and the mental health system after this kind of event, in the same way it's appropriate to talk about Japan after Pearl Harbor.
4) I hate how my first reaction to this kind of news "a man walks into an elementary school and shoots 20 children dead" is to think, "why?" Because that implies there's some reason, some kind of reasoning, that would make it make sense. And there's not. Ever.
5) I'd really like to cry about this, but the only person I want to/am able to cry on I won't see until Christmas day, at the rate we're going with making plans around my work and his social life.